My Heartfelt Thanks

Hello,

I want to start off by saying a big thank you to everyone for all the sweet comments and kind words about the passing of my Grandma.  Each one touched my heart, you all are so wonderful!  My Mom was able to fly back for the funeral, but I had to stay here with little Emmie, which was an adventure since I'm not really used to staying home alone at home, let alone over 2,600 km away from my family.  It's good character building though!  And it really wasn't bad at all, still not my favourite thing, but I'm getting better at it.  I tend to have a lot of one-sided conversations with the dog, but my sister was great and FaceTime chatted with me every day which helped a lot.  I never really realized it until now but I'm actually quite glad to live in this era because technology has brought those who are far away much closer to us and makes the distance seem a lot shorter than it really is.  I always thought I was born in the wrong decade, but now I'm not so sure.  Anyways, Mom flew back last night, and I'm sure I've almost talked her ear right off already.

December has snuck right up on me.  It doesn't seem like Christmas is just around the corner, but yet it is.  I've got a lot of my Christmas shopping done already, but there are still a few more things I need to pick up and a couple of projects I'd like to make.  I put a small pink tree up in my bedroom the other day to help get me in the spirit.

We put up our bigger tree in the living room this afternoon, but it still needs a tree skirt and angel topper so I don't have a picture to share just yet.  I think as we do more preparing for the holidays it will start feeling like Christmas, it's just so strange not being at home and not having any snow.

Anyways, I really do want to thank you all again.  It's so wonderful to have such caring and supportive friends.  You all bring such a smile to my face everyday with your comments and emails.  I feel very, very blessed!

Extra big XOXOX's to you all,
R

What Seems Like Forever

Hello dear blog readers!!

I have been meaning to post so many times over the last couple of weeks.  I had this great plan to write every day to document a trip I was taking, and I dreamed of how interesting and fun it would be to share the whole thing right here on the blog.  Well...life happened and I never did get to do that, so here I am. 

My Mom and I, and sweet little Emmie the Yorkie, decided to come to Florida for the winter this year to relax and to help with my health.  We had originally rented a condo, but due to some very loud construction at that place, we are now moved in to a lovely home.  Since our move was a last minute change of plans, we had to do some accommodating to make everything work.  This house is only available till the end of December, and then we have to move again to another house that is on an island just a few minutes away for the rest of our stay.  That house is directly on the beach, and as those of you who know me would know, I am beyond thrilled about that!!  This house has a pool, and that house has the ocean, so it's the best of both worlds.  At first the whole thing seemed like one big mistake, but now I see that God worked it all out so that it would be the very best for us. 

We are just taking it easy, and doing lots of relaxing and recovering, which is exactly what the doctor ordered.  I kind of feel like I'm on hiatus from my real life, and it's rather fun.  I've always wanted to escape my life at home for a while and experience something new and different, so I am very blessed to be able to actually do that right now.  Trust me, I know I am a very, very lucky girl.  God and my parents have been so good to me and I am truly very grateful.

Today my sister is flying down to spend a week with us, which will be wonderful.  Even though we haven't been gone quite three weeks yet, we have been missing home a bit.  I especially miss my dear Mr. Bingley, but we have a sweet house-sitter and her mother who are taking good care of him and Mittens and giving them lots of extra love and attention.  Her mother wrote us the other day to say that Bing was enjoying some cuddle time with her, and that he had helped himself to the treat bag while she was out!  I'm glad to know he is still up to his old tricks and that he is settling in well with them both. 

Well, I should go and get myself ready to head to the airport soon.  I will try to get back into a regular posting schedule in the near future.  I will have to start doing some more interesting things other than reading so that I will have something to write about!

xoxox, R

New Direction

Hello dear readers,

I hope this week is going well for you all.  Things here are a bit on the busy side, but it's a good kind of busy.  I'll be sharing more about what's going on in some future posts, but for today I thought I'd chat about some thoughts I've been having about the blog.

As you know, I haven't been doing much knitting over the past while, but I still want to keep up with my blogging.  I've missed writing and sharing what I'm up to with you!  I thought I couldn't write about most things recently since they weren't knitting related and this blog is called Fairytale Knits, however, the more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that even though this started out as a knitting blog, it really has always been about me and my life.  There just happened to be a time in my life where there was a lot of knitting going on.  As I looked back over my archives I noticed that there were posts when I wrote about things other than knitting, so I decided that what I'm going to do now is blog more about my everyday life and throw in knitting and knitting-related things along the way.  How does that sound?  The blog will become a bit more about my life and not just what I'm currently knitting, although I've started to slowly knit some things (HUGE yay for this!!) and I will share their progress as I go along, as well any knitting/fiber -related things I find along the way!

I'm also debating whether or not to keep up with the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Thankful Thursdays and Weekend Quote posts, and whether or not to add in any other "themed" weekly/monthly posts.  I'd be happy to know what you as my readers would be interested in hearing me blog about and any suggestions you have, so just leave me a comment below.

I wish you all a wonderful week and thanks for sticking with me though all this transition.  You are all a joy in my life!!
xoxox, R

List #11. Things My Family Taught Me

I’m doing the 30 Days of Lists Challenge this month and I thought I'd share one of my favourite lists from last week today.

#11. Things My Family Taught Me
o To respect my elders
o How to bake – My Mom taught me and has always been my biggest supporter
o About Jesus
o To do it afraid
o To have integrity
o To be kind to everyone
o To reach out to those who are hurting and those who are less fortunate than I am
o To try and see things from the other person’s point of view – this one my Dad taught me
o To love and not hate
o To listen more than I speak, and to never think or act like I know more about a subject in a conversation with anyone even if I do – another one from my Dad.  He told me that you can always learn something from a conversation, even if you are more knowledgeable about the subject than the other person, as long as you keep quiet and just listen.  It really is true and does work!
o To put my best effort into everything I do

My family has taught me way more things than just these, but these were the ones that I listed.  I am so grateful that God chose to put me into this family, they are so wonderful and are my biggest encouragers and supporters.  I truly am Blessed.

Happy Monday!

xoxox, R 

I'm Happiest When...

I'm doing 30 days of lists again for this month.  I purchased the whole pack of lists and chose to do the September 2011 one for July.  I thought today I'd share one of my favourites from the past week.

#2. I am happiest when...

• I am on an adventure
• Exploring a new place
• Traveling
• Making something
• Reading a good book
• Listening to oldies
• Watching movies from the 1930s-1960s
• Standing with my feet in the ocean
• Picking out supplies for a new project
• When my nails are painted cutely 

I found this one fun to do because I hadn't really thought of things that make me happy quite like this before.  Now when I'm feeling sad and in need of some cheering up I can look back on this list and see what I can do.  

xoxo, R

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

FIVE...Things I'm really liking right now: Kites, trees, whales, bunting, and anything patchwork.

FOUR...Things I'd like to do this summer: Have a bonfire, spend as much time as possible outdoors, sew my first quilt, and start learning Norwegian.

THREE...Favourite Bible verses: 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.", Jeremiah 30:17 "For I will restore health to you, and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord, because they have called you and outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no one seeks after and for whom no one cares!", Psalm 29:11 "The LORD gives His people strength.  The LORD blesses them with peace."

TWO...Books I want to read: Alice in Wonderland and To Kill a Mockingbird.

ONE...Favourite devotion from this week: How to Survive the Stress of Summer.

I'm thinking of making the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 posts a weekly thing every Tuesday for the summertime.  I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them.  And like before, you can join in too by posting your own list on your blog and leaving a link, or share your list in the comments.  I'd be happy to hear what everyone else's lists are!

xoxo,
R

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

FIVE...songs I've been enjoying this week: Good Day Sunshine, When I'm Sixty-Four, I've Just Seen a Face, Can't Buy Me Love, & You've Got to Hide Your Love Away, all by the Beatles.

FOUR...things I'm thinking about: The first and second world wars (long story), embroidery floss, hexagons, & memories.

THREE...exciting things: There's a new baby in our family (my cousin had an adorable baby girl), the weather finally feels like summer, & I just found out my sister is coming to stay with us for a week next month while she teaches VBS at camp.

TWO...favourite blogs: Wild Olive & Anna Maria Horner.

ONE...thing I will do today: Have a shower.

I got this idea from the Wild Olive blog and I thought it was fun. Want to play along?  Think of 5 things to list and either leave a link to your blog or share you list in the comments!

xoxo,
Raili

Rather Blue

Hello,

These last few days I have felt very tired.  Like I want to climb back into bed and not get up again until next week.  I don't know if it's the treatments I've been doing, or from going to bed late for the last while, or what it is exactly.  Maybe a combination of the two.  I've cut my to-do list down to 5 things I have to do today and 5 things I would like to do if I can, but yet, looking at my list of just 5 things tires me out.  Tomorrow I have some appointments in the city and with the way I'm feeling right now I just want to cry when I think about it.  I read Lucy's blog post this morning, and I can totally relate to how she feels.  There are so many things I want to share with you all, so many things I want to talk about, so many things I want to do, but yet I don't have the energy at the moment to do any of it.  I don't want to complain, but I do want to share how I'm really feeling.  I feel like when I'm quiet for a while and don't post, people may be wondering what is going on, and one thing I like about my blog is that I can be honest here.  So please do forgive me for my pity party.  I promise to try and be more cheerful again soon!

With the way everything has been going this last while I totally forgot my blogiversary.  It was June 3rd.  When the day rolled around, I kept thinking to myself that it was a special date for some reason but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was wondering if it was someone's birthday or something all day.  I just finally clued in yesterday.  I usually do a giveaway, and I want to do one again this year, but I'm going to aim for probably sometime in the first week of July.  That way I have time to get my mind around it and put something together.    

Well, I think I will have a little rest before I finish doing some tidying up.  I promise to do my best to be in a better mood when I post next.

xoxo

Happy Victoria Day!

Happy Victoria Day!!

Today is also my Mom and Dad's 35th wedding anniversary and my birthday.  We're not doing anything special, just mostly relaxing, which is actually what I would like to do best today so I am quite happy.  My sweet Dad went birthday shopping for me this morning and came back with the beautiful lace ribbon yarn you see above.  I've begun to knit a scarf with it and I think it's turning out lovely.  The weatherman is calling for storms later today and I just heard a rumble of thunder so I think he may be right.  This will be our first thunderstorm of the season. I'm praying it will be a gentle one.
I hope you all have a lovely and safe day!!  I'm off to knit a bit more and read some Pride and Prejudice!

xoxo

Decisions, Choices, Changes

Hello,

This is a bit of a long post, so you might want to grab a cuppa and settle in for a read.  Maybe grab a snack too.  I had to stop and get myself two cups of coffee, a snack and lunch while I wrote it.  I just thought you should be forewarned.

I have been doing a lot of thinking this past weekend and I've come to the conclusion that some major changes are going to have to take place in my life, starting now.  I know, I know, I know, you're probably like, "we've heard that before and yet, nothing has changed."  Well, this time it's not just a choice I am making but a sort of forced change of behaviour.  Both my body and other people are telling me that I am going to have to slow down, stop pushing myself to the limits and let go of trying to both do and control things that I'm not supposed to.  I once heard that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is a sign of insanity, but I don't think that is what this is.  I think this is stubbornness.  I want to be able to do things my way and I'm not happy when anyone else, including my own body, tells me it is not possible, or that I can't do it.  I am one of those people who when someone says "you can't do that" I immediately have to go out and prove that yes I can.  Now this can be a handy trait to have, but let me tell you, it has it's disadvantages as well.  Especially when the thing is something that in all reality I shouldn't be doing to begin with..  However, now that they've said I can't, I have to prove that I can.  Even when it is a detriment to myself.  I think what it really comes down to is a desire to always be right...oh humility is a hard pill to swallow!  Now I understand what the Bible means when it says pride goes before the fall!  Well fall I did, and flat on my face.  It has been a hard lesson to learn that no matter what I think, I am NOT superwoman.

I don't necessarily think this fits into the "Being Kind" to myself category fully as some other things in the past have, because I've honestly thought these were the things I truly wanted to do, not things I was pressuring myself to do because I thought I had to.  And some of them probably did have undercurrents of "I should do this" that may not have been what I exactly wanted, but on the whole these have been things I have had a desire to make, do, see, change, etc.

I started out this morning writing this note to a friend:

"It's feeling better today (which is my hand that I hurt yesterday opening an onion bag...yeah, pathetic, I know), but I still think I'm going to rest it as much as I can.  I honestly don't know why these things keep happening to me.  I used to be able to knit/crochet with no pain whatsoever, and now it seems like I'm getting pain from almost everything I do."

I have to stop here to say that the moment I wrote that, I knew immediately that I actually did know why these things kept happening.  It is because I am pushing myself way to hard.  It's like I'm trying to keep up the pace of "Christmas knitting" every day of my life...which just in case you are wondering, is not sustainable.  Anyway, back to the note:

"I think I must be just doing too much.  The last few months have seen a lot of knitting and crocheting from me, and maybe it's time I really, really cut back.  I think I set myself these great big grand plans, but in all honesty, they're probably not humanly possible, at least not possible to sustain for a long period of time.  So, I think what I am going to try to do is just slowly work on my crafts as it is comfortable, even if that means one row a day,  and really try to learn to relax more.  I find that when I'm in my "making hurry" I tend to overlook so many things each day and not take the time to just "be" and see what is really going on around me.  I sit in one place stitching, stitching, stitching, without even looking up.  Mom or someone will come into my room to talk to me and I hardly pay attention because I'm so focused on what I am doing and trying to get it done."

This is so true.  Life is passing me right by while I am focused on "getting things done."  I'm always thinking to myself that I will start slowing down and take real enjoyment of life when I'm done this one particular thing.  The problem is, once that one thing is done another one comes up to replace it and I never get around to actually enjoying anything.  I don't even enjoy the process of my crafts anymore because I'm so overly focused on completing them so I can start something else.  It's like I'm trying to accumulate a pile of accomplishments ..and what for?  I've thought about that question a lot, and I think it stems from a deep-rooted feeling of failure.  I think I'm trying to prove that I really am not a failure and that I can actually stick with something and see it through to completion by doing all this.  I need to let that go...  I know God has forgiven me for my failures, and I have chosen to forgive myself, but I haven't really been living in that forgiveness.  I've still been trying to prove that I am worthy.  I need to remember that God says our own "works", no matter how good they are, are still like filthy rags to Him because He doesn't love and accept us based on our own personal goodness, but based on Who He is - He is Love and He loves us perfectly and unconditionally.  We cannot earn His love.  Rather, we are just to accept it and live in the freedom of it.  Clearly I still have a lot to learn in this area, but I'm glad to know that God still loves me even though I'm a "work-in-progress."  And I have to make sure I don't try to change on my own, but trust Him to help me change.  Otherwise, I'll keep going around this same old mountain again and again, and I am honestly so ready to be done with this.

I think what I need to do instead of trying to do all that I want to or what I think is expected of me, I need to just do what I can do, what I am able to do without putting unnecessary pressure on myself, and learn to be satisfied and happy with that.  Not always expecting more, more, more, good, better, best, but just realizing and accepting that these are my limits and to be content with that.  I am what I am.  My Finnish grandfather had this saying that basically meant "It is what it is."  That's what I am going to think about myself - It is what it is, I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less.  I am not a failure because I have limits, I am human.  Man, that feels good to say!  I am choosing to take the pressure off myself now and just accept me as ME.

So really, what I guess I'm trying to say is that the blog is going to take a little turn from displaying what I have done, to following me as I pursue this new way of living.  It will still tell the tales of my projects, but you just may see a certain project at various stages of "in-progress" for a lot longer while I take my time working on it.  Also, it will probably follow more of my everyday life as I go about learning to mindfully live each day.  It's going to be a learning process, but really, isn't that what life is all about?

Thanks for sticking with me through this all, and I look forward to sharing my journey.

xoxo

Nightfall

Hello,

We had the most gorgeous sunset here last night.  The air was still making the water like glass, and the colours were reflecting off it casting everything in a purple glow.

It reminded me how blessed I am to live right here, right now.

xoxo

I'll Be Reading

Happy Saturday!

Well both this week and last I happened to overdo it a bit with my knitting and crocheting and today I found out that I cannot do either without pain in my arms and elbows.  This is a letdown because now I actually have more time to work on my projects.  But, I'm refusing to be sad about it, and instead I've decided to just take a break for at least the next two days, or until it doesn't hurt anymore.  I had the same thing happen at Christmas this past year, and because I didn't take a break when I knew I should, but instead just kept going despite the pain, I wasn't able to knit or crochet for at least a month without it hurting.  I learned my lesson and I would much rather miss a few days then to miss a whole month!  In the meantime, I think I will read and just relax - that sounds like a good way to be kind to myself now doesn't it?  I'm currently reading Anne of Windy Poplars and I'm enjoying it so much.  There's just something about both the Anne of Green Gables series and all Jane Austen's books that feels like "home" to me.  They're like old familiar friends.  Do you have any books that make you feel the same way?
I hope that you have a wonderful weekend and that the weather in your part of the world is springlike and cheery.  Here it is well below normal in temperature and has been lightly snowing off and on, but I hear it might warm up next week and we're supposed to get some rain.  Hopefully that will help melt the snow and make things start greening up.  In the meantime, I'm doing my best to remain patient and enjoy even the small changes I see each day.

xoxo

Perfection

Hello,

I know this is something I've talked about a bit in the past, but yesterday I got to thinking about it again.  I have been working hard at being more kind to myself since the beginning of the year, but I've noticed that I'm failing miserably at it.  It's something I've been reminding myself of every so often, but I haven't really taken steps to fully apply it to my life.  Both my health and mental state have suffered in the past because of my lack of applying it, and I know that I need to really start making a serious conscious effort to change in this area.
Sometimes I just shudder at the thought of it, it goes against my nature so much.  I am extremely good at working myself as hard as possible and holding the highest aspirations, goals and rules for myself, and when I don't succeed, I get upset with myself or feel like I've failed.  I know in my head that this is wrong, but I just keep continuing in the same negative thought pattern.  Most of the time it is only my own expectations of myself, but I because I expect perfection from me, then I also find myself thinking that others expect it from me too.  This just adds to the pressure and the failure feeling I get when I don't live up to my expectations.  I feel like I've not only let myself down, but others as well.
I'm the type of person who needs to have "steps" for how to do things, for example, when I wake up in the morning I mentally run through my day step-by-step - pray, read my Bible, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, make breakfast and tea, eat, put the coffee on, etc.  I need to mentally map out what I am going to do.  It gives me the structure I need to help keep me from getting distracted.  So I was thinking that I might need to make myself a list of steps I can take in order to to be kind to myself and then put them somewhere I can see them every day to remind me to actually do them.
One area where I need to learn to be kinder to myself in is my crafting.  My friend Jessica reminded my yesterday that "knitting is supposed to be fun."  Boy did I ever need to hear that right then!  Earlier in the day I felt myself slipping back into the "just finish it up" mindset regarding my projects.  You know what I'm talking about, where you're no longer enjoying the process of the work but instead are just hurrying up trying to get it finished so it's checked off the list.  Sometimes there are real deadlines that make projects fall in to this area, but the things I'm working on don't have deadlines like that.  I've just been rushing because that's my natural tendency - which is no excuse.  I look at those people who knit to relax, and I wish I could be like them.  Instead, I'm usually frantically knitting at top speed to get something finished up and off the needles so I can start something new.  Then the whole cycle begins again: hurry and finish up so I can start the new and exciting thing I want to make, then once I'm started on it, I'm hurrying to finish it up so I can start the next new thing, and on and on and on it goes.  It's like a vicious knitting merry-go-round.  One I definitely want to get off.  I'd really like to get rid of the "hurry up" and replace it with the calming knitting I see others do.  I guess finding "steps" in this area would be a good plan, and to start I'm going to write out "Knitting is supposed to be fun." and stick it up where I can see it every day.
Do you ever find yourself struggling to be kind to yourself, or rushing through your knitting and not enjoying the process?  If you're the type who knits to relax, can you share any tips with me?

xoxo

Slacking, Slacking, Slacking

Hello,

I know I've been slacking in my blogging lately...but I'm trying to get myself back on track.  It's not that I don't enjoy writing my posts, quite the opposite I assure you!  It's just that I either get so busy I don't have time to post, or I'm too tired to think straight and write something that would make sense.  Work is slowing down now though, only one more week to go!  So I should have more time in the near future.

Even though I've been slacking in my blogging, I've been making up for it in creating things during my spare moments.  I've been quite busy with needles, hook and yarn this past week and last.  To date I have knit 5 baby hats, 1 bonnet, 4 pairs of booties (and three singles who are awaiting their mates), 2 pairs of baby socks, 3 dishcloths, and a tiny gnome.  That's not mentioning all the projects I have started or have on the go at the moment.  I find that when my mind is too tired to think, I can usually still knit - granted that the project is pretty mindless.

Today while starting to tidy up around here (I've haven't been only slacking in blogging...) I found that I have three pairs of socks on the go right now.  So I set myself a little goal of getting one pair done this weekend.  Two pairs are on the second sock and the other pair is on the foot of the first.  I'd also like to finish up a few other little knits I have on the needles as well this weekend, but we'll see how everything goes.  I find it helps keep me on track if I make a little list, otherwise I get distracted by new things (kobo cozy using the magic loop technique because I want to learn it) and start working on something entirely different from what I was supposed to be working on in the first place.  I'll be back on Monday to let you know how it all went.

Have a great weekend, and try to sneak in some YOU time if you can.

xoxo

This & That

Hello,

I have planned and tried to write a post many times over the last week, but every time I do, I just can't seem to come up with the right words.  I thought I might as well give it another go today and just see what happens, so I apologize in advance if it's rambly and nonsensical.

Our weather here today is beautiful, sunny and bright.  The temperature is still chilly though, so it feels more like winter today than spring.

The ice cutters have been going up the river the last couple of days, so I think the shipping season must be getting ready to open soon.  Every year it's the same thing, I never notice how much I enjoy and look forward to seeing the ships until they stop for these few months during the winter.  I can honestly say that I'm waiting eagerly to see the first one go through!

Well, it's Easter time, or at least getting-ready-for-Easter time.  My Mom picked up this cute wreath for my door the other day.  I smile every time I look at it.  I haven't done any Easter crafting yet, but I think I better start soon if I want to have anything done in time.  I've been toying with the idea of knitting a bunny, so we shall see.

I know I've already shown this little sweater I crocheted before, but I wanted to share this picture of it with the crochet edged fleece blanket I made to go along with it.

I also made this little dress and pink dot blanket recently.  Both of these gifts are heading out in the mail tomorrow for California to two new baby cousins.  The blanket pattern is from Linda Permann's Craftsy course Crafty Crochet Embellishments, and is a great quick gift project.

Before I go, I wanted to say a huge thank you to you all for your sweet and caring comments on my last post.  I am doing much better and I feel like I've turned the corner on the sadness and hopelessness.  Now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it doesn't seem as far away as it did before.  I found a verse in the Bible last night that I've begun saying to myself: "Arise [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you-rise to a new life]!  Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!" Isaiah 60:1.  This is from the Amplified version of the Bible, and I find it so great because it actually uses the word depression, and it expands on the verse opening it up bringing more meaning and relevancy on what these words would have meant in the original text. I remember Joyce Meyer saying how David would talk to himself and ask himself "soul, why are you downcast?" and then he would encourage himself by saying "Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God." (Psalm 42:5)  So I have begun speaking Isaiah 60:1 to myself to encourage myself.  I think we underestimate the power of self-talk.  It really is so important, because we believe what we say about ourselves more than we believe what others say about us.  I'm going to make an effort to change the negative way I have been speaking to myself into a positive way, and I think my mood will change for the better.  I also learned that many times throughout the Psalms when David was feeling depressed he would remember the times when God had helped him in the past.  So I have been trying to do the same.  God has brought me through so much, I just need to remember those times and know that He will bring me though this time as well.  He always does, because He is faithful and He never changes.  It's been a great encouragement and comfort to me to know that even when people, things, and circumstances change, God never does, so I can fully trust Him to take care of me.  I've been one of those people who tries to take care of themselves all my life and now I see that this has got to change.  It's hard to let go of it sometimes, but I know that it is the only way I am ever going to experience real freedom.  And really, how silly is it to think that I can do a better job at something than God?  I know that I'm not going to change overnight and that I'll need to be patient and forgiving with myself all the while, but it will get better each day.  I hold onto that hope, and trust that God will work the necessary changes in me as I continue to trust in Him.

I hope that you are having a great week and I will try to be back again soon, hopefully with a finished blanket to share!

xoxo

Ugh

Hello,

Ugh...is the word that best describes how I am feeling today.  This unfortunately has been a bit of a trend with me lately.  I just feel so uninspired and down and just sort of off, without a real definite reason as to why.  This has a lot to do with why I haven't been blogging recently.  I try to keep my posts upbeat and on the happy side and I didn't want to bring you down with my whinny-ness.  But lately I've been wanting to take the blog in a more personal direction - like a scrapbook/journal of my everyday life - and I thought I might as well just write a post whether I was feeling down, up or in-between   I hope you don't mind.  I promise to do my best to cheer up again soon and my posts should be back to normal as well.

I don't have any pictures today, just words.  But I do have some yarny news: my Patchwork Granny Blanket is on the last two final rows of squares.  Due to many different reasons I haven't been able to work on it 24/7 as I would like, but it's coming along nicely, even if it is a little slower than I'd prefer.  I'm already anticipating getting to work on the boarder, it's one of my most favourite parts of the whole blanket process - it's where you are still getting the thrill of working on the blanket, but yet you are so close to the beautiful end product that it's almost hard to crochet fast enough!  I'm hoping to get a chance to spend a little time with it this evening and maybe even get one more row done.  I also need to spend some time finishing up my dishcloth from last week...I let that one slip by me and ended up starting it on Sunday night right before bed.  It's officially two rows past half-way right now and I just need about 20 minutes or so of straight-on knitting to finish it up.  I should probably put it before the blanket, but we will see what happens.  I think the blanket is calling my name much more loudly and I may not be able to resist it.

I hope that your week is going well and that you are enjoying some spring-like weather in your parts.  It's been nice and sunny here lately, but today is a grey one.  I'm beginning to think those groundhogs were right, we seem to be in for an early spring!

xoxo

I Have to Have My Knitting

Hello,

Something you may not know about me is that I occasionally have panic attacks.  I'm telling you this because it gives you some insight into this story I'm about to tell of my adventures over the weekend.

My cousin N had his birthday party on Saturday and since I'm not usually a fan of big social gatherings, I was a bit nervous about going.  This is where knitting has become a big help in my life - my knitting and I are like Linus and his blanket.  Anyways, since I'm not done my holiday gifts yet, I quickly ran through them in my mind to see which would be a suitable project to take.  I thought I might be able to work on the Jaywalker sock, but then I remembered that I count all the time on that one, and didn't think that would work if I had to also talk to people.  Most of the other things weren't suitable either for various reasons but I thought Mom's crocheted wrap might work, even though I hadn't started it yet, and didn't know what my gauge was, or what hook to use.  But this is Christmas and I'm running short on time so I packed it up and threw in my notions pouch along with all my crochet hooks and decided I would get it started in the car.  We left home and stopped for gas along the way, which was when I thought it would be best to get started.  I dug around in the backseat for my project bag, and that's when I came to the horrible realization that I had forgotten the pattern.  I had everything else one could ever need, but not the pattern.  A mild bit of panic hit me and I found myself contemplating for a second whether I could knit a sock out of the mohair/silk laceweight.  I knew I couldn't go to the party without my knitting, it was my coping mechanism.  I had to have it.  A quick look at the clock assured me that there was time for a stop at Michael's along the way, so that was the new plan.  I felt much better and was so glad I had thrown in my notions pouch because it had my sock needles in it.  I knew I could quickly run into the store, grab two balls of sock yarn and get out in time to still make it to the party as if nothing had happened.  Once there, I entered the store and immediately got distracted by bags of sock yarn on sale in bulk at the door.  After trying to choose colours and thinking of all the cute things I could make, I came to my senses and had a firm talk with myself about how I have enough yarn and do not need 6 or 12 more balls in my stash, and how the plan was to only get two balls of sock yarn to help me through the evening.  I got myself back on track and made a beeline to the yarn isle where I proceeded to pick up four balls of sock yarn because I thought they were pretty, and justified it by thinking at least it wasn't 6.  I didn't have time to feel guilty about it, so I started to make my way to the checkout and tried to focus on keeping my eyes from wandering over to the dollar bins.  The dollar bins and I have quite a good relationship, I always visit them, but not this time - I was on a deadline here, I had to hurry.  I couldn't afford anymore distractions.  Now this is where the panic attack part comes into play.  I guess with all the excitement of leaving my pattern at home and the yarn on sale at the door, and finding so many pretty colours to choose from when I got to the yarn isle, I got a tiny bit lightheaded, which was added to as soon as I seen the line of people at the checkout, and also with the fact that I thought I recognized the people now in line behind me (and it wasn't one of those good acquaintances either, it was people I would be a bit embarrassed to see me buying sock yarn to begin with -  yes, I will admit that there still are times when I can feel a bit embarrassed about people knowing I knit, I'm working on it.)  Okay, now if you have never suffered from panic attacks I will let you in on something, they are not reasonable and tend to make you think that things are way worse than they really are.  They also can make you think irrationally.  I'm telling you this because it will help you understand what next went through my head.  First off, I decided to stand in a way that wouldn't allow me to make eye contact with the people behind me just in case they were the people I thought they were, then I tried to distract myself by reading all the signs and magazine covers around me to get my mind off the rising panic I was starting to feel.  This helped for two seconds before I realized that looking all over the place was making me more dizzy and now I felt sick to my stomach.  I quickly ran through all the things I had ate that day, and if I had been anywhere recently where I could have contracted the flu, which would make sense for the sick feeling, but I came to the conclusion that I had not ate any food that could have even remotely been bad, and I had not been around any sick people.  I chalked up the feeling to nerves and told myself firmly to "get a hold of yourself."  (In my head, don't worry, it didn't get so bad that I started talking to myself right there in the store.)  Next I thought maybe the people behind me could see what I had in my hands so I turned a little bit more to the right so they definitely wouldn't be able to.  That comforted me until I realized I was in front of them in line and would have to put the yarn on the counter at the checkout and then they would for sure see what I was buying.  I couldn't just shove them under my armpits and walk out, no matter how appealing that sounded right now.  I have to add here that these people were distantly related to me, so it wasn't like there would be a slim chance of me ever seeing them again.   At this point I remembered I was paying with my debit card and would have to put it into that little machine since it has a chip and by now my hands were shaking, and for goodness' sake I didn't want anyone to know I was nervous, so now I was trying to will my hands to be still.  It was at this moment that I suddenly realized I could not talk.  The fear was so great in me by this time that I was now rendered speechless.  This would be a problem when it got to be my turn and I had to talk to the checkout clerk.  Now with my head spinning, my stomach doing flip-flips and my hands shaking so much that I was concerned I would drop the yarn, I had the overwhelming urge to throw the yarn in the air and just run for the door.  This was also the moment when I realized that I couldn't get to the door without going through the line.  I also started to think about the party again and how I had to have my knitting, I just knew I would be bad company if I didn't.  Now was when the unthinkable happened (or at least it was the unthinkable to me).  The checkout clerk on the right-hand side recognized me and yelled out, "so you're back for more, eh?" and I stupidly in my confusion held the yarn up in the air and waved it at her and yelled back "yep."  Now if there had been any chance that those people behind me hadn't seen the yarn, they sure did now.  It was then that I had a flashback to a few months ago when I had purchased a significant amount of yarn and checked out with this particular clerk and I remembered she had made a comment on how much I was buying and was surprised I could use it all up.  I was purchasing yarn for my Christmas knitting, so you can sort of imagine the amount and why someone would be shocked to see me back again so soon for more.  By this time I was praying I would just make it out of there without making a scene and preferably with the yarn.  It was now my turn and I got the same clerk, who was very nice and talkative.  While she was waiting for the receipt for the person in front of me to print, I felt this tug on my arm and looked down to see a cute little girl who wanted to talk to me.  I said hello and asked what her name was and she said it was Sophia so I told her mine was Raili, and as soon as I said it, I realized that if those people behind me weren't sure if it was me or not in front of them, they would be now.  I willed myself to not do anything else stupid and just get out of there as best as I could.  The clerk now started talking about the big yarn purchase I made last time and wanted to know if I made it through it all yet, and I told her I had made a very good dent in it, but the real reason I was in here was because I left my knitting at home and was going to a party where I just felt I had to have it with me.  Now I sounded like a crazed lunatic who horded yarn and had to take it places with her.  Don't worry, it wasn't lost on me that those people behind me could totally could hear every word that I said.  I then, in my nervousness began to tell her how I was going to this birthday party and it was a bit stressful and that the knitting helped me cope, especially when it was family and people you sometimes didn't like.  (Remember, keep in mind that those people behind me quite possibly could be members of my extended family, who will now be looking at me in a whole new light next time I'm knitting at their get-together.)  And then the clerk says, yeah, I remember you said that this, gesturing to my yarn, is what you do now.  It was then that I realized that, you know what, yes, this is what I do and there is no reason to be embarrassed about it.  At least I am being productive with my time and what does it matter how I choose to be entertained?  At that moment I came to the conclusion that I really could care less what so and so behind me thought of me, after all, we weren't that closely related, and I never really liked them anyway.  And it was also at that moment that I happened to turn slightly and lo and behold if it wasn't them at all to begin with!  I finished my transaction and proudly took my yarn in its bag, wished the clerk a good night and strolled on out of there with a whole new confidence and a pretty good story to tell my Mom and sister on the way to the party.

xoxo